How We Get Trapped

How to Catch a Monkey

There is a story that says in Africa (and India), the natives use a technique to catch monkeys. They make a jar with a neck just wide enough for a monkeys hand to fit through, tie it to a tree, and put a peanut inside. The monkey comes along, smells the peanut, reaches in and grabs the morsel. But as the monkey tightens his hand around the nut, he makes a fist that is too wide to pull out of the jar. He's trapped. The natives come out of their hiding spot and even though the monkey is pulling with all its might, all the hunter has to do is put a bag over its head and its captured. Perhaps the monkey will be sold for research. Perhaps it will be dinner.

The interesting thing is that all the monkey had to do was to let go of the peanut in its hand, and it could have gone free. Yet it was so intent on holding onto to something it thought was so valuable. It gave up something far greater, its freedom.

What is the peanut in your hand that you are holding onto? It is some possession that owns you? It is some attitude that has come to define you? Is it some offense done to you that you “can’t” let go of? Motivational speakers use this story all the time to inspire people to "let go" of their old perceptions - since in truth, the monkey was never trapped. All he had to do was let go of the peanut to find its freedom.

Anger as a Habit

Anger as a Habitual Response

Not only is the expression of anger learned, but it can become a routine, familiar, and predictable response to a variety of situations. When anger is displayed frequently and aggressively, it can become a maladaptive habit because it results in negative consequences. Habits, by definition, are performed over and over again, without thinking. People with anger management problems often resort to aggressive displays of anger to solve their problems, without thinking about the negative consequences they may suffer or the debilitating effects it may have on the people around them.

This anger management program is an educational presentation and discussion format. The intent is to teach a better understanding of anger, and skills to better manage this emotion.

Most people attend anger management because their inability to better manage it and themselves has created conflict with life partners, family members, employment situations, and commonly enough, the law. Some people have just become worn out with fighting within themselves, and fighting against the world.

For many who attend anger management, it is perhaps a matter of not having learned the skills necessary to better cope with conflict. This program will help you learn more constructive thought patterns and skills.

 For others, anger emerges from long-term conflicts and behaviour patterns. In many cases, these conflicts and behaviours are passed down in a family from one generation to the next. These can be deep issues and while it is necessary to learn and practice the skills of anger management, do consider seeing a counsellor or therapist to help you identify, manage and resolve your hurts and conflicts. 

It is up to you to put what you will learn into practice.  If you want things to change, you have to change things. This always begins by changing yourself, that is, your attitudes, the demands you make of yourself and others, developing new skills, and your pattern of interacting with others.

Dating in 2013

10 Tips for Finding Love This Year

Dear reader... I am offering a post by Guest Contributor Michelle Jacoby. I will take liberty in offering my own comments for your comparison. The origninal post can be found at eharmony at http://advice.eharmony.com/about-you/10-tips-finding-love-year?cid=2091&aid=0810112 

In the spirit of the New Year and my passion, which is helping others find love, I’ve written resolutions especially for you. Now tape this list to your bathroom mirror, and go make love happen in 2012. You deserve it.

New Year's Resolutions To Find Love:

1. This is the year I am going to find love. I will put dating before my social life and my work. I will set aside at least two nights per week to date and will make it my number one priority. I won’t just talk the talk. I’m going to walk the walk.  I suggest a more balanced approach in consideration of work, and family, and social life, and a bit of solitude for personal maintenance. Nonetheless, I appreciate the bit about putting effort into something you want to see happen.

2. I will change my attitude about dating because there are great wo/men out there, and I will do what I need to do to meet them. We read that God cares for the sparrows... but He doesn't toss the seed into their nests now, does He?

3. Home is a 4-letter word! I will get off the couch and out of my house, even when I’m exhausted from work or would rather lounge around in sweats. I will go to singles events, meet-ups, happy hours and every single party I’m invited to. I need to my put energy into meeting someone because the odds are, it won’t just happen. I agree it rarely just happens when we live a closeted life. Singles go to singles' events because they want to meet other singles. So it seems a good idea to be open to such opportunities. However, you are more likely to meet interesting people when you do interesting things and work on being an interesting person first.

4. I will smile and chat with strangers – not just because I want to meet wo/men, but also because I want to share my positive energy with others. Everywhere I go, I will smile, chat and share myself with those around me. I will put down my cell phone, look up and make real connections. Make an effort to be interested in other people and value them for who they are. Everyone has their story.

5. I will tell all of my friends, family and co-workers that I am available and want to be fixed up. I will let them know that I appreciate every introduction, even if it doesn’t work out. Fixed up ... or would enjoy an opportunity to get to meet them. Maybe a matter of language... what do you think?

6. I will date online with a unique, positive, playful and sincere profile with excellent photos taken by a professional photographer. The best way to meet single wo/men is to date online, and I’m not going to miss the opportunity. On-line dating can be a convenient social outlet... and you never know where an introduction may come from. But ya gotta keep yer wits about ya!

7. I will burn my list. If I’m so smart and know what my ideal man looks like, then why haven’t I found him yet? I will let go of my “type” and will date a wider range of men. Maybe I’ll date a little older or a different race. I challenge the Universe to surprise me and know it will take care of me. I know a few women who have a list of what their potential partner won't be... but they don't seem to have an ideal of what he will be. Again, maybe a matter of language.... yet one view is more positive and empowering than restrictive. 

Personally, I found Mars and Venus on a Date to be a good guide for the dating perplexed. Gray discusses how to become more discerning in who you date without becoming limited.

8. I will be a great date. I will walk into my dates without expectations knowing that I might make a new friend. I will be warm, kind, positive, a great listener and will always be appreciative. I will smile, be upbeat and have fun on my dates. I will leave negativity and talk of past relationships at the door.  The only obligation on a date is to try and be a gracious companion for the duration. A date is an opportunity for two strangers to become better acquainted. If there is a connection, things will take their course from there. If there is no connection, then at least you have some entertainment for the evening and maybe made a new friend. And... you are just that much closer to finding the person you do have a connection with.

9. I won’t take anything personally. I know I’m fabulous, but not every wo/man will realize this. If someone isn’t interested in me, that’s not about me. That’s about what s/he’s looking for. The wo/man I’m going to fall in love with will think I’m amazing exactly as I am. S/He will be excited to date me and will show me consistently with his/her words and his/her actions. Ya know... if the goal of a date is to get to know someone better and enjoy an evening's adventure... then there is no such thing as a failed date.  Even if you are attracted to your date yet the feelings are not reciprocated, thank them for an enjoyable evening and with them well ... and send them on their way.

10. Even if I have a bad date or a bad night out, I will not get discouraged or give up! This is going to take commitment and hard work, but in the end, it will be worth it. I will keep my chin up and have a positive attitude because love is just around the corner. This is going to be the year that I find love because I am going to make it happen. I’m excited and say “thank you” in advance for the wonderful man who is about to enter my life. Self confidence and the ability take responsibility for your own happiness is a tremendously attractive quality.